Jokes

Everyone loves a good knock-knock joke!!!
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Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.
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Knock knock
Who’s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I’m the guy delivering it.
Great.
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Knock knock
Who’s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I’ll be right out, Susan.
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Knock, knock
Yo mama
Yo mama who?
Yo mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.
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I apologies for the bad jokes!

I couldnt tink of anytin! lol

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One day Jack complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Jack figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Originally posted by XxCrOsSxX
One day Jack complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

That was funny

XxCrOsSxX
this week u are the strong contender!
as there isnt as much entries this week im only giving away only the $25!

Firstly I apologize to any blondes who read these, there just jokes! lol

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer,it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me! So I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved tot he left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer cut her off "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A blonde got on a horse and started to ride it. It began to move very quickly and she couldn't hold on,so she let go, and she would've fallen off, except her foot was caught on the horse's leg, so she was being violently dragged by the horse. She screamed for help, but no reply, until, a valiant young lad came to her rescue. The Wal-Mart worker shut off the horse.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....." Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears? "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The guy called back."

There were three ladies who were troubled and wanted to commit suicide. There was a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. All three of em were at the edge of the cliff and was gonna jump off (suicide.) which one dies last?

- The blonde = had to go ask for directions...;;

How do you know if a blonde has been using the computer?!?!?!




There's tip-ex all over the screen!!!

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named;BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it.

The browse feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an index feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional BOOKmark accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a Precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

One day on a radio station they trow a contests and the theme is "words dat arent in the dictionary but make sense when said,and you have to put it in a good sentence!" so a caller rings in and says his word is "goan" and the radio guy says okkk,its not int he dictionary,so wats ur sentence, "goan f*ck yourself" den the radio host says "sorry thats not good enough, better look next time" so he hangs up,but,rings back a few minutes later and says "well my words smee" and the radio guy says "do i know ur voice from somewere" and the guy says "nah i just have a plain voice" so the radio host says "ok ur word smee isnt in the dictionary" wats ur sentence and the guy says "smee again,goan f*ck yourself"!!!

OK here we go.

Theres three nuns. For one night, the priest (boss) says they can all go out and do one sin each. So, the nuns say OK and go out for the night. They come back the next day, and the priest says you know have to tell me your sins, and God will forgive you for them. The first nun starts off, "I smoked a cigarette". The priest says,"Ok, go drink the holy water, and God wil forgive your sins." She goes and does it. The second nun comes up and says,"I drank alcohol". The priest says, "OK, go drink the holy water, and God will forgive your sins." The third nun comes up just laughing horribly. Everyone else is just staring at her like she's crazy. The priest finally says, "OK, what was your sin?". The nun replies, "I peed in the holy water."

HAHAHAHA

Heres another one.

There's a blonde, and she walks into an electronics store. She asks the manager, " Can i buy that TV?". He says, "No, I dont serve blondes." So, she leaves,and dyes her hair red. She comes back and asks the same guy, "Hey, can i buy that TV?" He replies, "No, I know your blonde, and i dont serve blondes." So, finally, she goes home and shaves her head bald. The next day she comes into the store and asks,"Hey can i buy that TV?" The manager says, "Oh, I'm sorry, thats not a TV, that's a microwave."

LOLOLOLOL