Got a good joke

My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal
immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to
illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the
Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc. I have elected to solve
the problems as they affect me. It solves both my gas and illegal
immigrant problems.

I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and
cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in pesos so they have to go
home to spend it.

I love it when a plan comes together.

---

› See More: Got a good joke

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the
other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes
in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a
moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says,
"Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man
>>>elitefighting unit called the United States Redneck Special
>>>Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi,
>>>Missouri, Oklahoma,Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off
>>>into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about
>>>terrorists:1. The season opened today.2. There is no limit. 3.
>>>They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups,
>>>country music, women in hot-pants, or Jesus. 5. They are
>>>DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. We expect
>>>the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Originally Posted by Ironwalt

In-laws!!


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

omg thats kinda funny in some ways O.o

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "Oh, THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER, CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO,
CHUCKY GOES."

"I AM SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS
OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED
MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY A BOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

how do cows count









with a cowculater

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"!!!

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, “Here try these on.”

She did and said, 'These are too big! I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A Guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."



The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're kiddin' me!"




The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it."

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall, she approached a uniformed
policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little girl hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Budweiser beer and women with big tits."

This is an oldie but goodie :~)
>>
>>It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in
>>It but, here is one:
>>
>>Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
>>A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
>>birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
>>
>>The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on
>>the sapling.
>>The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you
>>tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
>>
>>The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It
>>Is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
>>the
>>best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

>> WINTER BLONDE
>>
>>
>>
>> As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
>>jumps out
>> of her car, runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door. The
>>trucker
>> lowers the window, & she says "Hi, my name is Heather & you're
>>losing
>> some of your load." The trucker ignores her & proceeds
>>down the
>> street.
>>
>> When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches
>>up again.
>> She jumps out of her car, runs up & knocks on the door.
>>Again, the
>> trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
>>blonde says
>> brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're losing some of
>>your load!"
>> Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again & continues
>>down the
>> street.
>>
>> At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All
>>out of
>> breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
>>truck
>> door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says
>>"Hi, my name
>> is Heather, & you're losing some of your load!" When the
>>light turns
>> green, the trucker revs up & races to the next light. When
>>he stops
>> this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, & runs back to
>>the
>> blonde. He knocks on her window, & after she lowers it, he
>>says...
>>
>> "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Colorado & I'm driving
>>the SALT Truck
>>

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

An Italian gentleman named Guido dining in a very expensive New York
restaurant saw an attractive woman dining alone and was intrigued by her
beauty.

Accordingly, he asked a waiter to take a bottle of there finest Merlot
to the woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the lady and said, "This is
from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.


The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7
inches in your pants." After reading the note, Guido decided to compose
one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But not even for a woman as
beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Send the Merlot back."