Help from native speakers of English wanted

Hello everybody!

I am working on a translation of a short German text into English and I have meanwhile come up with something that I am not quite satisfied with. The problem is that I am not a native speaker of English, so I would appreciate it if someone could proofread what I wrote and tell me what could be improved:

Haven't you always wanted to be in a line of business that's totally crisis-proof? As a manager of pay toilets you can see for yourself that money doesn't stink!

Starting up as a toilet cleaner, you'd better be sure to invest your seed capital of 500.000 Euros wisely. Hence, you're purchasing your first allotment and equiping it with just what's absolutely necessary: Common flush and seat, ceramic bowl and toilet paper...

But that's only half the battle: Your customers are discerning and your competitors never sleep! Ergo: You have got to come up with innovation! Golden bowls, silk for toilet paper and seats with cupholders will make them be willing to spend a little more!

Your aim is to achieve the rule over all Johns in town and to rake in as much money as possible before you finally become a Toilet Tycoon!

I am afraid that the text above may sound a little clumpsy, choppy and not as lively as it is supposed to be. The translation does not need to be exact, that's why I have not posted the original version here. (Besides, I assume that most of you do npt speak German.)

Suggestions are very welcome - thank you!

Best regards,

Matthias

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Haven't you always wanted to be in a line of business that's totally crisis-proof? As a manager of pay toilets you can see for yourself that money doesn't stink!

-> This looks fine to me.

Starting up as a toilet cleaner, you'd better be sure to invest your seed capital of 500.000 Euros wisely. Hence, you're purchasing your first allotment and equiping it with just what's absolutely necessary: Common flush and seat, ceramic bowl and toilet paper...

-> "seed money" is a more common phrase, but what you said is also fine. "Equipping" is the correct *****ing. Common flush... I'm not sure what that is - do you mean the toilet itself?

But that's only half the battle: Your customers are discerning and your competitors never sleep! Ergo: You have got to come up with innovation! Golden bowls, silk for toilet paper and seats with cupholders will make them be willing to spend a little more!

-> "You have got to come up with innovation!" ... I'd be more tempted to streamline it and say something like "Innovation is the key to success." The meaning is slightly different of course. "make them be willing" you can change to "make them willing"; it is a more common usage.

Your aim is to achieve the rule over all Johns in town and to rake in as much money as possible before you finally become a Toilet Tycoon!

-> "achieve the rule" is a little awkward... maybe simply "rule"... or change it to "Your aim is to dominate Johns in town".

Jim

Thank you very much, your input helps me a lot! As far as the part about "Common flush" is concerned: The idea is to express that you are first installing ordinary/simple/basic flushes into the toilets of the facility, while later you can equip it with technically fancy/sophisticated ones. Maybe it's better to say "Simple flush" or "Ordinary flush"?

The last sentence causes me a headache, too. What I want to say is that you are supposed to become the "ruler" or "master" of all toilet facilities in town by buying them all up and finally owning all of them. I am not sure either whether "John" is the best term, I am basically looking for a slang term meaning "public toilet" or "pay toilet". In German we have terms that roughly translate to "little house" or "quite place" for that, but I have found nothing like that in any dictionary.

I have adopted your suggestions and the text now looks like this:

Haven't you always wanted to be in a line of business that's totally crisis-proof? As a manager of pay toilets you can see for yourself that money doesn't stink!

Starting up as a toilet cleaner, you'd better be sure to invest your seed money of 500.000 Euros wisely. Hence, you're purchasing your first allotment and equipping it with just what's absolutely necessary: Common flush and seat, ceramic bowl and toilet paper...

But that's only half the battle: Your customers are discerning and your competitors never sleep, so innovation is the key to success! Golden bowls, silk for toilet paper and seats with cupholders will make them willing to spend a little more.

Your aim is to dominate all Johns in town and to rake in as much money as possible before you finally become a Toilet Tycoon!

I might be prepared to say "a basic white porcelain toilet" instead of "common flush". If you mean to communicate that it's a really utilitarian, low-end toilet, that will describe it perfectly.

Oh, bear in mind that I speak Canadian English (which isn't that different from American English but is slightly different from UK and Australian English). Using the word "flush" for a toilet might be common in the UK, but if it is, I'm not aware of it. In North America, we use the word "flush" to describe what we do when we're finished using the toilet. (Don't forget to flush!)

So how do you call the device used to flush a toilet? That's what "flush" is supposed to say in my example... Do you say toilet "bowl" to refer to the porcelain part of a toilet? I have also changed a part of the text because I thought it sounds a little more fluent that way:

But that's only half the battle: With discerning customers and competitors that never sleep, innovation is the key to success! Golden bowls, silk for toilet paper and seats with cupholders will make them willing to spend a little more.

I found an interesting website explaining a lot of "toilet terminology":

Installing A New Toilet

I guess I can find some hints there!

Here, we really don't call it much of anything. If we had to identify it, we'd call it the flush lever, I suppose. Normally we just refer to flushing a toilet, and it's implied that the lever is used. Sometimes it's called a handle, too, I suppose.

Haven't you always wanted to be in a line of business that's totally crisis-proof? As a manager of pay toilets you can see for yourself that money doesn't stink!

How would you like to be in a line of business that is totally crisis proof? You can see for yourself that MONEY doesn't stink as a manager of pay toilets!

Starting up as a toilet cleaner, you'd better be sure to invest your seed capital of 500.000 Euros wisely. Hence, you're purchasing your first allotment and equiping it with just what's absolutely necessary: Common flush and seat, ceramic bowl and toilet paper...

But that's only half the battle: Your customers are discerning and your competitors never sleep! Ergo: You have got to come up with innovation! Golden bowls, silk for toilet paper and seats with cupholders will make them be willing to spend a little more!

Your initial investment of 500 Euros would be invested wisely in purchasing your first allotment of basic model toilets and toilet paper, but that's only half the battle; With competitors that never sleep and the escalating tastes of your customers, you'll need innovations to attract the business you're looking for. Next stop: golden bowls, silk toilet tissue, and seats with handy cupholders?*

Your aim is to achieve the rule over all Johns in town and to rake in as much money as possible before you finally become a Toilet Tycoon!

Your goal is to monopolize every john in town and rake in the dough** on your way to becoming a total Toilet Tycoon!


(((Creative license here?
*is there room for other features? howsabout a power outlets to recharge laptops of mobile phones? Wireless access?

**dough=money in U.S. slang... If we're not talking a US market then another word would be more apt. )))

@PhotoJim: According to the website I posted a link to in my previous post, it is called a "toilet tank".

@Jeaniesing: Wow, this is great! I am most probably going to use some or all of your ideas in my next, revised version of the text! Thanks a lot!

Thanks to all your creative input, I have meanwhile got a version of the text that I am about 3/4 satisifed with. The part I still don't like is the second paragraph, the one I indicated with bold letters:

How would you like to be in a line of business that is totally crisis proof? You can see for yourself that MONEY doesn't stink as a manager of pay toilets!

Starting up as a toilet cleaner, you'd better be sure to invest your seed capital of 500,000 Euros wisely. Hence, you're purchasing your first allotment and equiping it with just what's absolutely necessary: basic model toilets and paper...

But that's only half the battle: With competitors that never sleep and the escalating tastes of your customers, you'll need innovations to increase profits. Next stop: Golden bowls, silk toilet tissue and seats with handy cupholders.

Your goal is to monopolize every john in town and rake in the dough on your way to becoming a total "Toilet Tycoon"!

It would be great if someone could help me find a substitute for the part in bold letters that sounds fluent, roughly keeps the meaning and has about the same length, as I have to pay some attention to layout issues. I'll keep thinking myself of course!

Thanks again to everybody for helping me!

When you start up as a toilet cleaner, you will need to make sure that your initial capital is wisely invested. Therefore, you only need to equip with what is absolutely necessary

from an English friend....

Sounds good!

Thanks to all your help, I think I now got a version of the text that can be regarded as "final". Here it is, please let me know whether there should still be any grave mistakes, no matter of what kind (*****ing, grammar, content, expression...):

How would you like to be in a line of business that is totally crisis proof? You can see for yourself that MONEY doesn't stink as a manager of pay toilets!

When you start up as a toilet cleaner, you will need to make sure that your seed capital of 500,000 Euros is wisely invested. Therefore, you purchase your first allotment and equip it with just what's absolutely necessary: basic model toilets and paper...

But that's only half the battle: With competitors that never sleep and the escalating tastes of your customers, you'll need innovations to increase profits. Next stop: Golden bowls, silk toilet tissue and seats with handy cupholders.

Your goal is to monopolize every john in town and rake in the dough on your way to becoming a total "Toilet Tycoon"!

Thanks again to everybody!

How would you like to be in a line of business that is totally crisis proof? You can see for yourself that MONEY doesn't stink as a manager of pay toilets!

When you start up as a toilet cleaner, you will need to make sure that your seed capital of 500,000 Euros is wisely invested. Therefore, you purchase your first allotment and equip it with only what isabsolutely necessary: basic model toilets and paper.

But that's only half the battle (Maybe substitute "But that's just the beginning"); With competitors that never sleep and the escalating tastes of your customers, you'll need innovations to increase profits. Next stop: Golden bowls, silk toilet tissue and seats with handy cupholders.

Your goal is to monopolize every john in town and rake in the dough on your way to becoming a total "Toilet Tycoon"!